In this chapter non-political jokes are gathered dealing with various matters, such as family relations, infirmities of old age, relationship between colleagues, etc, as well as those with a sexual connotation (the sex related items in this chapter are of a more restrained variety while the real off-color jokes are found in Chapter 8).

Readers of this chapter will not fail to notice that many of the sex-related jokes reveal a denigrating attitude toward women. It seems safe to assume that most of such anecdotes were created by men, and reflect certain trends in the Russian man-dominated culture. Throughout the Russian history women always had to bear the heaviest burden. However risky any generalization may be, it seems that one feature of Russian culture was that, on the one hand, a Russian woman was routinely expected to stay virgin until marriage, to be modest, chaste, and 'knowing her place', and on the other hand was often suspected of being secretly lewd, unfaithful, and prone to skullduggeries.

I have included such jokes, however repulsive they may be to some readers, for the same reason I included anti-Semitic jokes in one of the following chapters, namely because I believe that to hide the ugly sides of reality could only lead to preserving them.

It is worth noting that during the decades of the communist rule in Russia telling a joke of a politically innocent type was only slightly less jeopardizing one's freedom than telling an explicitly political one. Such intolerance even to politically neutral jokes might have several reasons.

The most significant one probably was the general tendency of the communist totalitarian system to control every and each aspect of people's behavior, so that letting the people indulge in an uncontrolled fun just would go against the very foundation of the system.

Then, one of the features of the official ideology was its extreme hypocrisy based in part on the mythical image of an ideal Soviet man who devotes himself completely and exclusively to the building of communism and is an epitome of all the characteristics of an ideal man including a perfect chastity. This ideal man worked with complete self-negation, condemned imperialists, followed with an absolute faithfulness the Party line, loved his Great leaders, etc, etc. Obviously such an ideal man would have no use for anecdotes which would be relevant to the life of regular imperfect human beings, but had no place in the serious endeavors of a Soviet perfect man, whereas the heroes and anti-heroes of anecdotes had all the features of imperfect humans who at the best could be only considered a raw material for the creation of the New Man.

Finally, the intolerance toward any anecdotes whatever their contents might have one more source in expediency. Indeed, if the orally propagated jokes were to be classified into harmless on the one hand and politically dangerous on the other, it would increase substantially and complicate the KGB's workload, requiring an expertise to be conducted each time to determine whether a person told an innocent joke or a politically wrong one. How much easier the KGB's work was with any anecdote considered in the same way. Telling anecdotes? A few years in a camp will teach you to keep your tongue behind your teeth, citizen!

4.1 Maria, a lady in her eighties, expected her friends, Anna and Lena, both also in their eighties, for a friendly visit. Aware of the problems with her memory, Maria placed a sign on the wall in her kitchen saying "Don't forget about coffee." Anna and Lena arrived. After a while, Maria walked into the kitchen, saw her reminder, made coffee, and offered it to her guests. Twenty minutes later Maria again walked into the kitchen, saw the reminder, patted herself on her forehead, made coffee, and offered it to her guests. Twenty minutes later, Maria again walked into the kitchen, saw the sign, patted herself on her forehead, made coffee and brought it to her guests. She did so eight times. Finally the guests left. On their way back home, Anna said, "Look how Maria is yielding to the years. She even forgot to offer us coffee." To that Lena answered, "Was it Maria who we went to visit?"

4.2 * A patient complained to a doctor that he wetted his bed every night.

"Before it happens, do you see any dreams?' the doctor said.

"Yes, doctor. Usually a see a dream in which a small demon comes and says, 'Let's pee."

"OK," the doctor said. "Next time you see the demon, say, "No, we've already peed."

Next time the patient came to the doctor, the latter asked, "So? Did you do as I said?

"Yes, I did."

"Did it help?"

"Yes, doctor. Only, it made the matter worse."

"How?"

"As I said 'We've already peed,' the demon nodded and said, 'Then, let's shit a little."

4.3 At a Moscow veg and fruit marketplace, a woman sells apples. She shouts, "Apples, apples. Excellent apples from Chernobyl.... Chernobyl apples!"

A passer-by says, "Are you crazy? Who would buy apples from Chernobyl?"

"Oh, they buy it all right! Some buy it for their wives, some for mothers-in-law."

4.4 A man tries to push an elderly woman over a balcony's railing on the third floor. A crowd of onlookers on the sidewalk is angry. "Stop him! Stop the bastard!" they shout. "Help the poor woman!"

"She is my mother-in-law," the man on the balcony says.

"Ah... Look at the witch! She has the gall to grab at the railing and resist!"

4.5 A female university student was asked how much money she would need to convert the university dormitories into a brothel.

"Just small change."

"How come?"

"To make a phone call to the dormitories and say that we are legalized."

4.6 A couple had a son and a daughter. Both married. The mother tells a friend about her new in-laws.

"My daughter married perfectly. Her young husband adores her. Every morning he wakes up, goes to the kitchen, prepares breakfast, while my Anne stays in bed, warm and cozy, like a princess!"

"And what about your son?"

"Don't ask! His marriage is a disaster! He foolishly adores that good-for-nothing wench. Every morning he wakes up, walks to the kitchen, prepares breakfast, while she impudently stays in bed warm and cozy, like a cow!"

4.7 A man came home and found his wife in bed with another man. He challenged the stranger to a duel. They walked into another room and closed the door. Then the man said to the stranger, "Why should any of us die? Let's both shoot into the air, then we fall to the floor and wait. She will sprint in. To whomever she will rush, let that man have her." The stranger agreed. They both shot into the air and fell to the floor. The wife rushed in, looked at the two bodies and shouted, "Darling, you may come out, they both croaked."

4.8. A man came home earlier than usual, when his wife's lover was still in the apartment. She hid the lover in a closet, and served dinner. As they ate, something rustled in the closet. "What's that?" the husband asked. "Nothing, darling. Just jackets." After a while, they again heard some noise in the closet.

"What the hell is that?" "I'm telling you, just jackets." A few minutes later, the noise sounded once more. "I'll check it," the husband said. "You'll regret it if it's not jackets." The husband yanked the closet's door open. Inside, he saw a man who held a pistol. The husband quietly closed the door, and said, "Indeed, jackets, darling."

4.9 A man had to leave for a business trip. He promised he would pay a boy from the next door apartment if the boy watched the man's wife. When the man came back, the boy reported his observations. He said, "As soon as you left, Boris from the house across the street came to visit your wife. First they drank some tea, then walked to the bedroom. I watched through the keyhole. They both undressed and went to bed."

"And what happened next?" the man said.

"They switched the light off, so I didn't see anything afterwards."

"Oh, my God!" the man said. "Again, these torturous doubts!"

4.10 * A man left for a business trip and hired a boy from the next door apartment to watch his wife. After the man came back home, the boy reported what he saw. "As soon as you left, Ivan from the house across the street came to your wife. They went to the bedroom, closed the doors, so I didn't see what they were doing, but I know they played lotto."

"How do you know?"

"I heard them saying, 'I finished, did you finish?"

4.11 Two friends met and one of them told to the other, "I'm going to marry."

"Oh, Kolya, congratulations. And who's the bride?"

"Masha from Klin."

"Are you in your right mind? She slept with the entire city of Klin."

After a few months the friends met again when Kolya was already married.

"So, who did you marry, Kolya?"

"Masha."

"What? Didn't I tell you about her sleeping with the entire city of Klin?"

"Well, I went to Klin to see, it's just a small town, less than the Moskvoretsky district in Moscow."

4.12 An international competition for the title of the most manly man comprised

three tests. Every participant must: 1. Drink in one gulp a bottle of vodka; 2. Walk into a cage and shake hands with a female bear, and 3. To make love to a woman from a remote Siberian village who never in her life took a bath. A Frenchman drank all of the vodka, and dropped dead. An Englishman drank vodka, then walked into the cage, and dropped dead when he saw the female bear. A Russian drank vodka, and walked into the cage. There was a noisy commotion, then the Russian walked out of the cage, buttoning his pants, and asked, "Where is the woman to shake her hand?"

4.13 In a Zoo, two young women stand in front of a cage and look at a giant male gorilla. One woman asks the other, "Do you think you could live with him as with a man?"

"Of course not. He has no salary."

4.14 In a Zoo, a monkey in a cage was eating cherries. She performed a strange ritual. Fetching a cherry from a bowl, the monkey first applied it to her bottom, and only then placed it into her mouth.

The surprised onlookers asked the attendant why did she behave in such an odd way. The attendant said, "Nothing odd. Last week she ate avocados, and a kernel stone stuck in her ass. So now she exercises caution by measuring first."

4.15 An old Professor married a young student. The first night he knocked at the wife's bedroom door and said, "Darling, I am here to fulfil my duty of a husband." The wife let him in, he did as promised and walked out. In about twenty minutes he knocked again at the door and said, "Darling, I am here to fulfil my duty of a husband." She let him in, the Professor again performed his duty and walked out. In about twenty minutes he knocked at the door once again and said, "Darling, I am here to fulfil my duty...."

'Sweetheart," the bride said. "You've done it twice already."

"Did I?" the Professor said. "My God! Senility, senility.... I just keep forgetting everything."

4.16 A wife came back home after a tourist trip to France. Her husband said, "Well, darling. Tell about your trip."

"It was very interesting. First they showed us Chance Elisee. So, we walked there, and we all were raped there, except for Maria. Next day we went to see the Eiffel tower. There we were all raped, except for Maria. Next morning, we went to Notre Dame, and there we all were raped, except for Maria."

"But what was it about Maria?"

"She's so timid.... She refused each time."

4.17 In a bus, a young woman says, "Young man, it's the third stop that you are so snugly pressing your body to me."

"What can I do?"

"If you're a man, do something!"

4.18 A prostitute is depositing money in a saving bank.

"I'm sorry, citizen," the teller says. "Your money is not good. Counterfeit."

"Impossible," the prostitute says.

"Sorry, counterfeit...."

The prostitute shouts, "Help! I've been raped!"

4.19 A Frenchman and a Russian met and talked about women.

The Frenchman said, "I meet a woman in a restaurant, buy Champaign for her, then take her home, pour wine or brandy, and she goes into ecstasy. Then I lead her into my bedroom, she is mine, and afterwards I put money in her pocket."

The Russian said, "I do almost the same. I call a woman, and when she comes I give her three rubles, and she is mine. Afterwards I take back my three rubles and she goes into ecstasy."

4.20 A woman returned home after a tourist trip to France. She told her husband about her trip, "One of the things that made an especially strong impression on us was striptease."

"Was it indeed as disgusting as our newspapers say?' the husband said.

"I show you. Watch." And the wife started slowly undress.

"Indeed, what an ugly sight!" the husband said.

4.21 Kids enter the classroom and greet the female teacher. Only Vova walks in without greetings, and takes his seat silently. The teacher says, "Why do you behave in such a rude way? Get out and walk in again, and do it as your father does when he comes home."

Vova walks out, and in a minute he storms back in, slams the door, and shouts, "What, bitches, didn't expect me?"

4.22 A man is being interviewed for a job. The personnel man reads the applicant's papers. Ethnic origin -- Russian. First name -- Ivan. Patronimic -- Ivanovich. Last name -- Rabinovich. The personnel man open wide his eyes. The applicant's last name is obviously Jewish, and that's enough of a reason to reject the application, but he can't say that to the applicant frankly. He moves back and forth on his seat, he coughs, he drinks water. Finally the applicant says, "I understand what you think. But I am a genuine Russian, word of honor. I am not guilty that I have such a name. My father was Russian, and my grandfather also... Devil knows how did it happen that we got such a name."

The personnel man is perplexed. He is at loss what to do.

"Yes, it's quite an unusual case," he says. "Let me talk to the director."

After a while, the personnel man is back. "Sorry, we can't hire you. Our director said that if we have to hire a Rabinovich, then better he be a genuine one."

4.23 On the eve of the fifteenth anniversary of their wedding, a husband and a wife are in bed. She thinks, "I wonder, does he remember that tomorrow is our anniversary? Fifteen years together! I am sure he remembers. Probably he'd already bought a gift for me. What can it be? A fur coat? Or a ring?"

The husband thinks, "If I strangulated her on the day of our wedding, tomorrow I would be already out of prison."

4.24 A young lad is trying to lure a girl into a sexual relationship. She says, "No. Never."

"But why?"

"I have three reasons. First, I'm still a virgin. Second, my mom wouldn't permit me. Third, after making love I always have a headache."

4.25 Tenants of an apartment house complained that the stoker in their building was a drunkard and shirked his duties, so that they suffered cold in the apartments. The buildings supervisor asked the stoker, "Why do you drink on the job?"

"I don't. Just when I have a toothache, I put a drop of vodka into my mouth, and it helps. So I hold it in the mouth for a while, and then I swallow it."

"You better spit it out."

"Vodka is pretty expensive, boss, how can I waste it?"

4.26 Once a husband and a wife argued about cooking. The wife insisted that potatoes must be cooked with only one teaspoon of salt per pan, while the husband thought that two spoons would be better. The husband said in a mild tone, "I think, in this you're not exactly right."

"What? I'm not exactly right? What you really mean is that I'm far from being right! You mean I'm completely wrong! I'm wrong, it means I'm telling lies! I'm lying, then I'm not speaking like a human being! You mean I'm barking like a dog! Mom! Mom! He called me bitch!"

4.27 An old woman came to a mental hospital to visit with her sick grandson.

As she walked toward the entrance to the ward, a man ran into her who was holding a wooden stick between his legs as if riding astride it. The woman all shrank in fear. The man said, "Take a seat, grandma, on this stick, I'll give you a ride. Just for three rubles."

The frightened woman paid three rubles and the man left her in peace.

A few steps closer to the entrance, another man of menacing appearance rushed toward the woman and said, "Grandma, let me cure you. Just three rubles." The woman paid three rubles, the man spat on her head and ran away.

The woman went to the Chief Physician to complain. "What is it?" she said. "Is it a proper order that your lunatics roam the premises without supervision?"

"No, no," the Chief said. "Our psychic patients are all locked safely in. Those were medical students. That's how they moonlight to make some money."

4.28 A painter was retained by the administration of a mental hospital. He took his ladder and brushes, and left for work. In a few hours, an ambulance brought him home, all in bandages.

"What happened to you?" his wife said.

"Well, I just put my ladder against the wall, climbed up, and started painting, when one patient approached me and said, "Please, hang on the brush for a minute while I'm borrowing your ladder."

4.29 A commission came to a mental hospital to see if some of the patients could be released. The first patient walked in.

"What would you do if you were released?" the commission asked.

"I would run home and gouge my mother-in-law's right eye."

"Sorry, you'll have to stay here for a while."

Next patient walked in. "What would you do if we released you?"

"First, I would go to a restaurant to have a good dinner."

"And after the restaurant?"

"Oh, then I would go home and gouge my mother-in-law's right eye."

One more patient walked in. "What would you do if you were released?"

"Oh, Oh.... First I would find a quiet place where I could sleep for ten hours without being bothered by the nurses with their syringes."

"And afterwards?"

"Then I would run home and gouge my mother-in-law's right eye."

Almost ready to give up, the commission decided to try one more patient. The man walked in and was asked the same question.

"Oh, first I would go to a public beach or a park to look for a pretty girl."

"Well, it's a sound idea. And next?"

"I would invite her to take a seat on a bench. Then I would gently embrace her shoulders."

"Very sound idea. And next?"

"Then I would put my hand on her knee.... And then gradually move my hand up her thigh."

"Hm-m. You seem to have quite normal impulses. Continue."

"Then I would check if she wore stockings. You know, those supported by elastic suspenders."

"Hm-m. It's a sound impulse of a healthy man. Continue."

"I would pull a rubber thread from the suspenders...."

"Stop! What for?"

"Don't you know? I would use the thread to make a sling, then find a proper stone to put into the sling, then go home and use the sling to kick out my mother-in-law's right eye!"

4.30 A husband left for work. He walked out from the multi-story apartment house where he lived on the sixth floor, and remembered that he forgot money for lunch. He shouted to his wife, "Masha! I left money. Please, drop fifty kopeks for me!"

The wife walked to the balcony and said, "Always you forget something. With you, nothing is right, you dunderhead." Still, she went into the apartment, found fifty kopeks in several small coins and shouted, "How can I drop these coins? They will scatter all over the street."

"No problem," the husband said. "Just wrap them in a three-ruble bill."

4.31 In a museum, a guide explains, "Here is the skeleton of the great hero of the civil war, Vassily Ivanovich Chapaev. This is the skeleton of Chapaev when he was five years old. And this one when he was twenty years old. And this one is Chapaev's post-mortem skeleton."

One of the visitors said, "I'm confused. How can it be three skeletons of one person?"

"Which group are you with?" the guide asked.

"I'm with the adult group."

"So, don't stop here, but join your group. This explanation is for the school kids group."

4.32. Two peasants decided to slaughter a bull. One held the bull by the horns, while the other used a sledgehammer to hit the bull's head. Whack! The bull stands without reaction. Once more, whack! The bull stands as if nothing happened. Then the peasant who was holding the horns, said, "Brother, if you hit me once more on my head, I'll will be not able to hold the bull any longer!"

4.33 A man applied for a divorce. In the courtroom, the judge asked, "Why do you want to divorce such a pretty and nice woman?"

"Judge, she doesn't satisfy me in bed."

The wife jumped from her seat and shouted, "Look at that Prince! The whole apartment building is satisfied, but he is not!"

4.34. A wife went to a resort. Before she left, she and her husband promised to remain faithful to each other. If, though, any of them would not be able to resist temptation, then they would indulge in an adultery but not more than twice during the vacations.

When the wife came back, the husband admitted that he couldn't endure the long abstention and slept twice with his secretary.

"I also did it only twice," the wife said. "The first time with a football team, and the second time with a jazz orchestra."

4.35. Scientists from different countries gathered to decide what is the most impressive achievement to be considered a worldwide miracle.

The Chinese representative said, "Our Great Chinese Wall surrounds the entire world."

"The entire world?"

"Well, if not entire, then just a wee-bit less."

The USA representative said," We've built skyscrapers that reach the sky."

"The sky?"

"Well, if not actually the sky, just a wee-bit below it."

The representative of Cuba said, "It's all not a big deal. In our country women give birth from their anuses."

"From the anuses?"

"Well, maybe just a wee-bit beside the anus...."

4.36 A telephone rang in a hospital.

"Please, send an ambulance, our mother-in-law has eaten poisonous mushrooms."

The ambulance came, the paramedics took mushrooms for analysis, and looked at the victim.

"But why is she all over in bruises and scratches?"

"Didn't want to eat the mushrooms."

4.37 Two friends, both in their twenties, met in a hotel. "Do you always stay in this hotel when you come to Kiev?" one of them asked.

"Oh, yes! Look at all those pretty girls here!"

Fifteen years later, they met again in a hotel in Kiev and one asked the other the same question.

"Sure," his friend answered. "I always stay here. Look at all those dishes on their menu!"

Fifteen years later they met again in a hotel, and to his friend' s question, the other man answered, "Of course I always stay in this hotel. Look at all those warm restrooms!"

4.38 A group of men came to a river and saw that on an island some five hundred feet from their shore, there were several nude women lying under sun.

All the men who were in their twenties, immediately jumped into water without undressing and swam to the island.

Those who were in their thirties, undressed, than jumped into water and swam to the island.

Those men who were in their forties, set out to build a raft.

Those who were in their fifties, said, "Why all that fuss? We can see them from here as well."

4.39 A man who lived in a rural village and had never in his life been in a theater, was given an award for the fulfillment of his work quota. The award consisted of two tickets to an opera performance. The man and his wife arrived in the theater much too early. They waited in front of the theater, then were admitted and took their seats. As they had waited for a long time, the man said to his wife, "I just can stand it any longer, I need to take a leak."

"So, go and find a restroom, but be back before the curtain is up," the wife said. She remained in her seat while he set out to look for a restroom. He walked all over the foyers, and stairways, and corridors that ran along the boxes, but nowhere there was a desired sign of a men's room. Finally, he opened some small door, discovered behind it a dark room, walked in, stumbled in the dark over something that seemed to be a jar or a pot, unzipped his pants and relieved himself. Then he ran back to his seat.

"So, they didn't start yet, did they?" he said to his wife.

"I guess not," she said. "Just the curtain went up, you walked to the stage, peed into a pot with a tree in it, and then the curtain fell again."

4.40 A train passenger asked the car attendant to wake him when the train would stop at Brody station. "Don't worry," the attendant said. "I'll do it."

In the middle of night, the passenger woke up and said, "Is it still long to Brody?"

"Hey, man," another passenger said. "We've passed Brody two hours ago."

The man ran to the attendant and started cursing the latter. The attendant said, "What's that everybody wants my blood. At Brody I pushed one out as he was so drowsy he wouldn't understand that was his station. My God, how he shouted and cursed! I hardly managed to tear off his hands from the railings."

4.41 In a railway car, a man was sleeping on the upper pallet, his feet in dirty socks dangling to the lower pallet. A woman on the lower pallet shook him and said, "Man, do you ever exchange your socks?"

"Why, yes, but I'll do it only for vodka."

4.42 A man came to a stationery store and requested ink for the third grade. The salesgirl shrugged and said, "There's no such ink specifically for the third grade."

"Please, try to find it for me. I'll thank you for your effort."

The salesgirl thought it over, then shrugged, took a vial of ink, wrote on it "For the third grade," and handed it over to the customer. The latter thanked her profusely and offered her a generous tip. Then he left.

Another customer who witnessed the transaction, said, "Do you often have such weird customers?"

"Not many. But sometimes they request something odd, you may break your

mind to satisfy them. And what do you want?"

"Please, give me the globe of Ryasan district."

4.43 A scientist came to a symposium on artificial intelligence. He was requested to fill out a questionnaire. The scientist drew five crosses.

"Why so many crosses?" the organizer of the symposium wondered.

"Don't you see?" the scientist said. "The first cross stands for my first name, last name, and Patronymic. The second, for my place of employment. The third, birthdate. The fourth, family status. And the fifth, scientific degree."

4.44 "What are you feeding your pigs with?' a woman asked her neighbor.

"Why are you curious about it?"

"I also really need to lose weight."

4.45 A married couple bought a car and set out to try it. The husband drove the car along a street, and suddenly the car hit a telegraph pole and stopped.

"Here we are," the husband said.

"Darling, but how would you stop the car in an open field where there are no poles?"

4.46 A foreman asked a worker, "Why did you not come to work yesterday?"

"I did come, but there was already nobody at work."

4.47 A teacher in the class on the ancient history asked a student, "Who was the first man on the earth?"

"Adam."

"And to what severe punishment had God subjected him?"

"Eve."

4.48 Two men met, one of them having bruises on his face. The other one said, "I heard they beat you up at the station."

"Well, it's not a big station, just a small double track siding."

4.49 A traffic cop stopped a car for erratic driving and ordered the driver to undergo an alcohol contents test. The driver obeyed, and the device showed an excessive level of alcohol.

"You device is out of order," the driver said. "My wife doesn't drink at all. Try on her."

The cop agreed, but the device showed alcohol presence in wife's blood as well.

"You see?" the driver said. "It's a bad device."

"No, just your wife is drunk as well," the cop insisted.

"Then try on my kid, he certainly doesn't drink."

The couple produced a tiny sleeping child, woke him, and made him to go through the alcohol test. Again, the device showed high level of alcohol in blood.

"D'you see now?" the driver said. "Wrong device.'

The cop apologized and let the car through.

As they drove away, the husband said with a glee, "Ha! Have you swallowed it? And you kept saying 'Don't give vodka to the kid, don't give him vodka!"

4.50 Two men discussed their wives.

"My Tanya is a genuine angel," one said.

"Lucky you," the other said. "My beauty is still alive."

4.51 In a dark street, a man is walking, looking around in fear. No criminals are in sight. Then he sees a policeman.

"Tell me please, is it not dangerous in this street at this hour?"

"If it were dangerous, would I be walking here?"

4.52 An old Jew with a cane in hand walked into the Bolshoi Opera House in Moscow and said, "I heard you're looking for a replacement for the role of Romeo in Prokofiev's ballet?"

"That's right. In which ballets did you dance before?"

"I never tried, but I think I can do it."

4.53 A woman in a store is choosing a broom. She tries one, then another, then one more, but none seems to satisfy her. The sales clerk is tired and bored. Finally she finds a broom to her liking.

"I take this one."

"Would you like me to wrap it, or you'll fly just like it is?"

4.54 Two writers met. One of them asked the other, "What's the matter with you? You look so downtrodden."

"Yes, something awful happened."

"What's that?"

"My son burned the manuscript of my latest novel."

'Your son? How old is he?"

"Three."

"Oh, it's amazing, that young and already can read."

4.55 Two young physicians rest on a bench in a public park. They see a man walk with an odd gait. His knees are half-bent, his hands are squeezed between his knees.

"Look," one physician says. "A typical case of cerebral paralysis."

"Not at all," the other physician says, "Obvious polyarthritis in an advance stage. I know it for fact, I specialize in arthritis."

The man comes closer, and mumbles, "Hey, fellows, tell me at once, where is here a men's room?"

4.56 Two young lads went to visit a woman whose husband was on a night shift. As they were in the middle of their business, the woman's husband came back home unexpectedly. Both lads rushed to the balcony and jumped over the railing from the second floor. When on the ground, one of them started running away, but stopped as he saw his partner remain in a bent position, the lad's chest at his knees, and evidently struggling unsuccessfully to unbend.

"What the hell, have you hurt yourself badly?" the lad said.

"I don't know," his partner said. "I just can't unbend."

"Ah, look," the first lad said. "In a hurry, you just buttoned your collar to your fly."

4.57 A mother asked her son, "Why don't' I see your school report lately?"

"My buddy Vassia took it to scare his parents."

4.58 A boy is running along a road and meets a woman. He says, "Aunt, would you like a candy?"

"Thank you, my boy. Thank you."

She takes the candy and chews it.

"Thank you, it's a very good candy."

"That was I thought too, but why both my dog and my cat spat it out?"

4.59 A diver works on the sea bottom. Suddenly he hears a message from his ship, "Take off to the surface at once"

"Why?"

"Our ship is sinking."

4.60 A man storms into the office of a railway station supervisor.

"Please! Rush! I left on the train a bottle of my moonshine."

'Don't worry, it was found."

"Oh, so you saw it, where is it?"

'I didn't see it, I only saw how paramedics carried on stretchers three men who found it."

4.61 Two friends met. One of them said, "Listen, yesterday when I rode with your wife in a streetcar, she told me such an anecdote that I almost fell out of the bed."

4.62 Having performed tests on a patient, a doctor walked to the waiting room and said to the patient's wife, "Sorry to tell you, madam, I don't like him, I don't like him."

"Doctor, I don't like him either, but he's basically a good man and takes care of the kids."

4.63 A mother talks to her son, "You must be ashamed, son. Your teachers keep complaining. Why won't you follow the example of your father?"

"But he's in jail."

"Yes, but he wrote in his letter that his term has been cut in half for an exemplary behavior."

4.64 In a jail, the prisoners ask a newcomer, "What did they put you here for?"

"For poaching."

"And how much did you get?"

"Fifteen years."

"Come on! They never give fifteen years for poaching."

"Yes, but I was dynamiting fish. I dropped dynamite into the lake. Five basses came up, and also fifteen divers."

4.65 A boy asks his father, "Pa, why grandma is running in the vegetable garden in zigzags?"

"It's for you that she is grandma. For me she's mother-in-law. Now keep quiet and let me take a better aim."

4.66 After having watched a number of fashion shows, a woman became obsessed with the modern vogue. She started inventing all kinds of attires. Once her husband came home and saw his wife walk naked in the apartment.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Ah, you're ignorant of the new trends in fashion. This is just my new erotic costume."

"Then at least iron it."

4.67 A man walked in the street and encountered a funeral procession. Right after the hearse, a black goat was walking, and after the goat a long line of mourners.

"Whose funeral is it?" the man asked.

A man in black said, "My mother-in-law."

"And how did she die?"

"This goat has butted her to death."

"Hey, lend me your goat just for one day, won't you?"

"Don't you see how long is the line for this goat?"

4.68 A man came back to work after a vacation and boasted, "What a perfect vacation I had! I've relaxed beautifully!"

"Did you go to sea?"

"No, my mother-in-law and my wife went to sea, I rested at home."

4.69 A Georgian quarreled with his mother-in-law. Finally he grabbed her and dragged her to a balcony. Before pushing her over the railing, he shouted to a neighbor on the left, "Kvikidze, what have you done to your mother-in-law?"

"I stabbed her to death."

Then he shouted to the neighbor on the right, "Asladze, what have you done to your mother-in-law?"

"I drowned her."

"You see?" he said to his mother-in-law. "And I let you go!"

4.70 In a hotel, three couples happened to sit at one table. After they had a couple of drinks, the tongues became loose, and they started talking nostalgically about the past. First the men admitted that in the past they had cheated on their wives. Then wives also started talking more openly and confessed that each of them had an affair.

"When did it happen?' the American asked his wife.

"Remember, darling, when I got a new white Cadillac and said I won it in a sweepstakes?"

"And what about you?" the Frenchman asked his wife.

"Remember, love, my luxurious mink coat?"

"Now's your turn," the Russian croaked. "Tell as to a priest! When did it happen?"

"Remember, Vanya, when your fur hat disappeared?"

4.71 What do women of different nationalities say if a husband appears in the doorway when they have a lover in the apartment?

A French woman says, "Pierre? How nice! Please meet Claude!"

An English woman says, "A gentleman walking in without knocking? Shame!"

A Russian woman says, "Ivan, only not in the nose!"

A Jewish woman says, "Moishe, is it you? Then who is he?"

4.72 One man had four wives who all died. A colleague in the office asked him, "Why did your first wife die?

"Mushroom poisoning."

"And the second?"

"Mushroom poisoning."

"And the third?"

"Mushroom poisoning."

"And the fourth?"

"Concussion."

"???"

"Didn't want to eat mushrooms."

4.73 On a train, a Georgian is travelling with his wife. In the same compartment travel two physicians. Hour after hour, the wife is nagging her husband, not letting him to say a word in response. Then she leaves the compartment for the restroom. The physicians say, "Listen, Vano. We sympathize with you. How can you stand such a viper of a woman? We'll give you a telephone in Tbilisi, for mere two hundred rubles they perform a surgery on her brain, and she will become gentle and agreeable."

"What for?" Vano answers calmly. "I'm taking her to Kutaisi, there they promised to finish her off just for one hundred."

4.74 For a dinner, the lady of the house expected twelve guests, so, accordingly, she prepared thirteen meat cutlets, one of them for herself. She placed all the cutlets on a big plate and laid out thirteen plates. When the guests arrived, there were only eleven of them, as one happened to be sick. Each guest, as well as the hostess, got a cutlet. The thirteenth cutlet remained on the big plate in the table's center. The hostess said to the guest who was sitting next to her, "I see you're still hungry. Please, get one more cutlet."

"Oh, no! I am full," the guest said. "No, no!"

The hostess turned to another guest but he also declined her offer of the remaining cutlet. She tried every guest in turn, but none of them would have the remaining cutlet. Then the guests urged the hostess to have the remaining cutlet, but she wouldn't even think of eating anything more!

Suddenly, the light went off. A shriek sounded. As the lights came back, everybody saw the hostess' palm over the cutlet, with eleven forks sticking from the palm's back.

4.75 The mother-in-law was dying. She said to her son-in-law, "I had been a good mother-in-law for you. Please, promise to fulfil my last wish. I want to be buried in the Red Square. Under the mattress I have ten thousand rubles, all my life savings. Take them and spend them to get me buried in the Red Square."

The son-in-law took the money and left. In a few hours he came back, and said, "You'll get what you wish. Don't ask how I managed that, just they said you must be there tomorrow by noon, sharp!"

4.76 * Rabbit walked, limping, into the forest's clubhouse, all in scratches and bruises, and complained, " I went to the public toilet, and in the next stall there was the Bear. When he finished shitting, he grabbed me, wiped his ass with my body, and hurled me out through a window. I'll never go there when the Bear is present."

A week later, the Rabbit walked into the clubhouse, again in bad shape.

"What, Rabbit, again the Bear?"

"No, the Porcupine. When I finished shitting, I grabbed the Porcupine and wiped my ass with his body, and at once jumped out through a window."

4.77 "How has your latest altercation with your wife ended?" a man asked his friend.

"Oh, she had to crawl to me on her knees," the friend said proudly.

"And what did she say?"

"Get out from under the bed, you lowlife coward."

4.78 A boy came home from the school and said, "Daddy, today I helped an old lady to cross the street."

"Good boy. Now take this candy."

Next day, the boy came home accompanied by a friend.

"Daddy, today we, me and Misha, together helped an old lady to cross the street."

"Good boys. Now you both take these candies."

Next day the boy came home accompanied by the entire class.

"Daddy, today we all helped an old lady to cross the street."

"Good boys, but why it took so many of you?"

"The lady resisted."

4.79 A husband says to his wife, "Darling, why are you suddenly changing your underwear?"

"I've a visit to a doctor scheduled for this afternoon."

"But, darling, he's just a dentist."

"Yes, but what if he turns out to be impertinent?"

4.80 A son says to his mother, "I am not going to school any more!"

"Why, my son?"

"You know, again Ivanov will hit me on the nose with a textbook, and Vasiliev will spit into my tea, and Petrov will shoot at me from his sling, and Kuznetsov will put a needle into my seat.... No, I'm not going!"

"But you must," the mother said. "First, you're grown-up, next month you'll be forty-two, and second, you're the school's principal after all!"

4.81 A couple had nine children. A wife said to her husband, "There's this new law, if we had ten kids, they would give us a two-room apartment and a hundred rubles every month. You told me once that you have an illegitimate son somewhere in Siberia. Why won't you go and bring him here?"

The husband left for Siberia. When he came back with his illegitimate son, he found in his apartment only his wife, but no kids.

"Where all of them are?" he asked.

"As everybody learned about the new law, they all pounced on me and everyone of them took away one's kid."

4.82 A mother and a daughter walk in a dark forest. They are scared. The daughter says, "Mom, what if they will rape us?"

"Not with our luck, daughter."

4.83 A woman hitchhiked at a rural road. She carried a large canister. The driver who gave her a lift said, "What is it in the canister? Beer?"

"No."

"Moonshine?"

"No."

"Then what?"

"Gasoline."

"What for?"

"I know your ilk. As soon as we drive into a forest, you always are suddenly short of gas."

4.84 A courtroom is full, a man is being tried for injuring a passer-by by dropping a refrigerator from the third floor.

The prosecutor questions the defendant. "Defendant, tell us what happened."

"I came back home from a business trip and felt something was wrong. My wife was obviously very nervous. I asked her straight, "Where is he?" She wouldn't say. Suddenly I see him through the window running by and wearing only skivvies. Naturally, I was enraged, so I picked up the refrigerator and pushed it through the window aiming at the bastard."

"Victim," the prosecutor says, "now tell us your story."

"I was jogging that morning as I do every day. Suddenly, there was that refrigerator falling. I scarcely managed to get away, but still it hurt my leg."

The prosecutor says, "Now the witness. What is your story? Where is the witness?"

Two nurses lead the witness to the stand. He is all wrapped in bandages.

"Witness, tell your story."

"Well, I was just sitting in that damned refrigerator when......"

4.85 On a train, two male passengers are in the same compartment. One of them is staring at the other. Then he says, "If it were not for the mustache, you would look exactly like my wife."

"But I have no mustache."

"Yes, but my wife has."

4.86 An expedition to Mars came to end. As the Russian crew scrambled aboard, one of the crew members turned out to be missing. After a while the missing man appeared running from behind a tree, followed by a young and pretty Martian woman.

'Why are you late?" the commander demanded.

"You see, I made acquaintance with this lady, and she told me how they make children here on Mars. It turned out they just push a button on a computer, and if they do it once, they get a boy, and if twice, then it's a girl. Then she asked me how we do it on the Earth. I showed her, and now she is running after me and shouting, "Please, sell me your computer."

4.87 In a pharmacy, the salesgirls shouts to a customer who is about to walk out, "Man, man! I am talking to you!"

"What's the matter?"

"Instead of Calcium Chloride, I gave you by mistake Potassium Cyanide."

"So what am I supposed to do?"

"Nothing. Just pay to the cashier one ruble more."

4.88 An Englishman offered to a Russian a contest, who will eat more meat without interruption. "I'll eat 400 steaks," the Englishman boasted.

"Four hundred steaks? How much meat is that?" the Russian said.

"It's like a whole calf," the Englishman explained.

"Ah-h. I see. No problem," the Russian said.

The Englishman ate 380 steaks and stopped, almost having lost his breath.

Then the Russian started eating. When he was done with 390 steaks, he asked for a glass of water. The judge said, "Only ten steaks to go. If you finish them, you'll be the winner."

The Russian said, "These I will eat in a moment. What worries me, where is the calf?"

4.89 A lieutenant reports to his superior, "Comrade Colonel, nothing of significance has happened during my watch. Only the dog died."

"Why did the dog die?"

"Ate too much of horse meat."

"Where from did the horse meat come?"

"We had to shoot our gelding."

"Why?"

"He was dying after being overloaded."

"How overloaded?"

"We carried water from the river in a big barrel, and the gelding dragged too many barrels."

"Why water?"

"Because we had a fire. The barracks all burned to ashes."

"That's what you had to begin with."

"Yes, comrade Colonel. I began with that when reporting to your deputy, but he died on the spot."

4.90 A woman filed for divorce. The reason: her husband did not satisfy her sexual needs.

"Tell your side of the story," the judge said to the husband.

"When we just married," the husband said, "my wife said, 'Let's us save money for furniture.' I agreed, so we ate only soup until we'd money for furniture. Then she said, 'Let's save money for a TV set..' I agreed, so we ate only tea, until we bought the TV set. Then she said, 'Let's save money for a car. We switched to water...."

"It's interesting," the judge said, "But you better tell us about your performance in bed. Your wife complains that you do not satisfy....."

"Citizens judges! Just give me one bowl of soup, and I'll satisfy all of you."

4.91 In a plane, the pilot forgot to switch off the mike when he said to a co-pilot, "I'll just have some coffee, and then I'll sleep with the stewardess, while you replace me."

In the cabin, the stewardess heard the compromising words of the pilot, so she dropped the tray and rushed to warn the pilot. A passenger said, "You don't need to hurry, daughter. He said he would first have coffee, didn't you hear?"

4.92 A soldier came back home from the army and found three kids in the house.

"Who are they?" he asked.

"Well, when you were leaving for the army, remember? I was pregnant. So, here is Kolya. Then remember, when I came to visit you in the garrison? So, here is Katya."

"Yes. But who is the third? The third!"

"What do you want from him? The kid is sitting quietly, so let him sit in peace!"

4.93 A girl came back home from the school and asked her grandmother, "Granny, what is a lover?"

"A lover?" the grandmother said. "Let me think. Lov.... Lover.... Oh, my God!" She rushed to the wall, pulled aside the hanging rug, revealing a hidden closet door. She unlocked the door, and a skeleton of a young man fell out from the closet.

4.94 At an international congress of women, the delegates discussed the ways to make men pay more attention to their spouses. An English woman said, 'We, the women, must dress better, then our men will pay more attention to us.' A French delegate said, "We, the women, must undress more often, then surely our men will pay more attention to us.' And the Russian woman said, "We just have to feed the scoundrels, that's all."

4.95 Walking in a forest, a man met an old, wrinkled and hunched woman. "Help me to carry my wood to my hut," she said, "And I'll thank you."

"Sure," the man said. He picked up the bundle of twigs and carried to the woman's hut. There she said, "I owe you, young man. Tell me what you want, and I'll give it to you. I'm a good fairy. You may name up to three wishes."

"Oh," the man said. "I wish to have a Mercedes car."

"No problem. When you walk from here, right at the road there will be a Mercebedek waiting for you."

The man opened his mouth. "Really? I also wish to have a villa."

"No problem," the fairy said. "Take your mersedebes and drive right ahead, and when you reach the lake, there will be a villa waiting for you."

"My God," the man said. "But I also wish to have a beautiful girlfriend."

"No problem, in your Merdesebed there will be a beautiful bride waiting for you."

The man set out to run, but the old woman shouted, "Wait! I've done all you wanted, now help me a little."

"How?"

"I am ashamed to say that. You understand, I've not had a man for ages. I can't stand it, so please help me."

"Well, I'll do it but please fast."

After the man did as the old woman wanted, he put in order his pants and set out to run.

"Hey, man," the old woman shouted. "How old are you?"

"Thirty two."

"Such a big boy and you still believe in fairy tales!"

4.96 A man came back home from a business trip and found the door of his apartment locked. He knocked but his wife wouldn't open. Angry, the man whacked the door with his fists. No reaction. Then he hit the door with a foot. No answer. He stepped back, ran into the door and hit it with the utmost force he could muster. He heard from the apartment, "Now try to hit with the horns!"

4.97 In a train, two strangers, a man and a woman, sat and looked at each other. After a long silence, the woman said, "What are you thinking about, man?"

The man said, "About the same thing you're thinking."

"What impudence!"

4.98 A woman went to a resort with her son. When they came back home, she told her husband, "I liked it very much. The sea was beautiful. Also, I met a Hero of the Soviet Union, a nice guy."

The son said, "What kind of hero is he if he was afraid to be in the dark room without my mom?"

4.99 A man visited a woman when her husband was at work. Unexpectedly the husband came home earlier than usual. As the husband rang the bell, the lover panicked, but the woman said calmly, "Don't be nervous. Just dress and wait a minute." Then she picked up a garbage can from the kitchen, walked to the entrance, opened the door and said, "Darling, before taking off your coat, would you please carry out this garbage?" Before the husband returned, the lover had dressed and left the apartment unnoticed. As he walked home, he thought, "What a smart woman. My chicken of a wife would never come up with such an idea."

He came to the door of his apartment, rang the bell, his wife appeared in the doorway and said, "Darling, before taking off your coat, would you please carry out this garbage?"

4.100 If a woman holds her head slightly to the right, it means she has a lover. If a woman holds her head slightly to the left, then she also has a lover. And, generally, if a woman has a head on her shoulders, she has a lover.

4.101 A female cat said, "What an impudent lot are the tomcats in the next door building. Yesterday I went there and they raped me. Today I went there and they again raped me. Tomorrow I'll again go there."

4.102 Early in the morning, a man set out for a fishing trip. Before he left his wife said, "Stay home. It's raining out there, and windy." The husband did not answer, and walked out. When he was in the street, downpour and strong wind make him shudder. He walked a couple of blocks, but then decided the weather was too bad indeed, so he turned back. He walked into his apartment, undressed and dove into the bed. "What a dog's weather," he said, still shuddering.

"Yes," the wife said. "Such a weather, and my idiot left for a fishing trip."

4.103 A man returned home deeply inebriated.

"Again, you miserable drunkard," his wife said. "Just this morning you promised that you'd stop drinking and would love me."

"Right," the husband said. "I'm really sorry. I promise to love you. I need though one drop of vodka, the last one."

The wife sighed and poured a slug of vodka into a glass. The man gulped it, and then fell silent. After a while he said, "My dear, to strengthen our love, I really need one more slug..."

In despair, the wife ran to the balcony and shouted, "My God, is there at least one real man in this building?"

From the next door apartment a voice sounded, "Why, do you have some vodka there?"

4.104 A man left for a business trip. As he had long suspected his wife in being unfaithful to him, he placed under their conjugal bed a jar with sour cream and hung a spoon above the jar. If one person rested on the bed, the spoon would not touch the cream, but with two bodies in bed, the spoon would be marked with cream. Having checked the device and confident that it worked reliably, the man left for his trip. In a week he came home, and his wife joyfully kissed and embraced him. "Just wait," the man thought. "I'll now find out how you behaved."

He fetched the jar from under the bed and found the jar was full of butter.

4.105 In the middle of night, a wife woke her husband, "Darling, it's so cold!"

The husband jumped out of the bed, brought one more blanket from a closet and carefully tucked it around his wife's body. After a while, the wife woke him once again, "My dear, it's so hot here." The husband jumped out of bed and rushed to open a window. In a few minutes the wife woke him one more time and said, "My love, I want a man."

"But be reasonable," the husband said. "Where can I find a man in the middle of night?"

4.106 A newlywed couple came to a family doctor. The husband said, "Doctor, we're married for a week already, but I still don't know what to do as a husband."

The doctors told the wife to undress and to lie on a sofa. Then he undressed himself and showed the husband what to do.

"Is everything clear?" the doctor said.

"Yes, doctor, " the man said. "Except what shall I do when you're busy?"

4.107 A husband came home late in the night, drunk and sleepy.

"Where have you been?" the wife demanded.

"You're so smart, darling. Can't you invent a good answer yourself?"

4.108 A young couple came to a sexologist.

"Doctor, we're married for a few months already, and we love each other, but we get no pleasure whatsoever from our lovemaking."

"Hmm. Maybe you should try another position. Like this."

The doctor described the new position. The husband said, "Doctor, thank you very much. Would you kindly permit us to try it here?"

"Just go behind that screen and try."

After a while the doctor asked, "So?"

"No pleasure whatsoever, doctor."

"Hmm. Then try one more position."

The couple again went behind the screen. The doctor heard some sounds suggesting that the new position did help indeed. However, when the couple reappeared from behind the screen, they again complained that they had no feelings whatsoever. As to the sounds, they just tried to excite themselves by saying certain words, but it did not help.

"Hmm," the doctor said. "It's a hard case. Let me call your family doctor."

The sexologist dialed the family doctor's number and told about the hard case he was treating.

"Kick them out," the family doctor said. "They just make rounds through all doctors' offices in the city as they live with her parents and do not have a place of their own."

4.109 A young lad was making love to a girl when his parents walked in unexpectedly.

The lad thought, "I told her, let's do it some other time, and what? They have caught us!"

The girl thought, "Well, now he'll have no choice but to marry me."

The father thought, "My boy has grown up, it's time to buy a motorcycle for him."

The mother thought, "Look at that, how is she lying, it's so uncomfortable to the poor boy."

4.110 On a train, a soldier, his commanding officer, a young girl and an old woman happened to travel together. Suddenly the lights went off, a kiss and then a slap in the face sounded, and then the lights were on again.

The old woman thought, "This girl hardly realizes how lucky she is. If he kissed me, I would kiss him back rather than slap him in the face."

The girl thought, "What a pervert! I'm young and pretty but he kissed that old monkey rather than me."

The officer thought, "What the hell! This my fool of a soldier kissed the girl but she slapped me in the face instead!"

The soldier thought, "Now tell anybody I'm not smart. Look how I kissed my own hand and then slapped my bastard of a commander on his face."

4.111 A man was in his apartment wearing only the slips. His wife said, "Dress up, guests must be coming every moment."

"Let them see me this way, so they know how you feed me."

"Then take off also the slips, so they may tell me what for should I feed you."

4.112 On a balcony a woman is looking down at a man smoking in the yard.

"Man, I'm afraid of you."

"Why should you be afraid of me?"

"What if you rape me?"

"How can I do it? You're three floors up."

"But I'll come down."

4.113 In a flea market, a woman saw a man who was selling a mosquito in a jar. On the jar, she read, "A replacement for a man."

"How shall I use it?" the woman asked.

"You open the jar, and he'll know what to do. Just in case, here is my phone number."

At home, the woman undressed, opened the jar and went to bed. The mosquito flew to the ceiling and stayed there. The woman waited for a while, and then dialed the man's number. The man arrived and said to the mosquito, "You lazy lout, watch one more time, it's the last time I am showing you how to do it."

4.114 Maria Ivanovna the teacher came to the class wearing a dress with a deep cut on her chest, and there hung an airplane-shaped silver pendant. Misha stared at the teacher throughout the class hour. The bell rang, and Maria Ivanovna asked, "What, Misha, do you like the airplane?"

"No, the landing strip."

4.115 A mermaid walked out of the sea carrying an infant. She approached the people on the beach and said, "Can you please tell me how to find a diver by the name of Jerry?"

4.116 A woman came to work with a black eye.

"Who did you that?"

"Husband."

"We thought he was on a business trip."

"That's what I thought too."

4.117 A man came home from a business trip. He went to bed with his wife. In the middle of night, some noise under the bed woke him. He extended his hand toward the floor and said. "Is it you, Lassy?"

"Yes," Lassy answered and licked the man's hand.

4.118 A woman said to her husband, "Why are your eyes slanted?"

"You see, when my mother was pregnant, she ran into a Chinese man in the street. She was scared and ran away, and then I was born with slanted eyes."

"My dear, obviously that Chinese man had caught up with your mother."

4.119 In a public garden, an old man, a child and the child's nanny were sitting on a bench. The nanny explained to the child how parents make their kids.

"They pour boiling water into a bowl, and add flour, and honey, and cream, and a little of coca-cola, and stir well, and leave it for the night, and in the morning there is a child."

The old man listened and said, "Excuse me, Missy, but what about the old method? Is it not in effect any longer?"

4.120 On the morning of a holiday, two friends walked out to the street and headed toward a wine store. A few steps before the store, they saw a man who was snoring, prone on the sidewalk, his pants wet all over.

"Look, Vassia," one of the friends said pointing at the man on the sidewalk. "The people have long been celebrating, and we only now coming out."

4.121 After a holiday, workers were coming back to work, and those who had already been inside the workshop, greeted every new arrival walking in with the same question, "Hey, pal, how have your holiday been?" And everybody would answer proudly, "It was a beautiful celebration. I don't remember a thing!"

4.122 * A student said to his instructor, "Can you give me a simple example illustrating Einstein's theory of relativity?"

"Yes. Say, you've put your nose into my ass. Now you say, 'I've nose in the ass,' and I say 'I've a nose in the ass.' The expression is the same, but the sensations are quite different!"

4.123 A plumber knocked at an apartment's door. From the apartment, a parrot said, "Who's there?"

"I'm a plumber," the plumber said.

"Who's there?" sounded from the apartment.

"I'm a plumber."

"Who's there?"

"I'm a plumber."

Several hours later, the apartment's tenants came home and found a plumber prostrate on the floor of the stairs landing in front of the apartment's door, saying time and time again in a faint voice, "Who's there?... Who's there?" and from the apartment was coming the parrot's response, "I'm a plumber.... I'm a plumber."

4.124 In Russia, there are four degrees of soiled socks.

The first degree is when you take off your socks, drop them to the floor, and they stand on their own.

The second degree is when you hurl your socks at a wall and they remain stuck to the wall.

The third degree is when you can clip your toenails without taking off your socks.

The fourth degree is when you can take off your socks without taking off your shoes.